I think I’m a Clone Now

[bottledblond]

Post

Steve Rogers doesn’t talk about the gaps. It’s natural to have them, all of the medical research that’s been spouted at him by experts have driven the point home. The mind is a strange thing after all. It retains personally important information, disregards it out of pocket, holds onto the strangest things, and lets the past fade into fog.

It’s normal not to remember your mother’s face when you haven’t looked at it in years as long as you know her name and birthday. It’s fine having your childhood blur into bullet points because while they might have been formative years, you were always so sick during them so it’s not like they had anything worthwhile for the brain to cling to. The war had been horrifying, too much for any person to want to remember with any real clarity, so it’s been boiled down to bullet points on a timeline graph.

And all of that is before the sixty some years of being frozen. Advanced healing can’t fix everything, right?

All of that had been fine because no one who knew Steve before he put the plane down into the ocean had survived him with their own minds intact. There had been no one to point out his idiosyncrasies. No one to look at him funny when he ‘misremembered’ important things in his life that hadn’t made into the history books or the archived letters from those stationed with him or the propaganda films taken to show the folks back home about how Captain America was helping to protect their freedoms.

There hadn’t been until Bucky Barnes somehow broke out of HYDRA’s control, that is.

And perhaps that’s why Steve fought so hard to save him. The gaps in his memory have been caverns. The doctors said that the mind would heal and may fill in details for him as he connected new experiences to old ones, but that hadn’t happened. Not in any of the long years he’d been awake in this modern world.

He had needed Bucky as much as Bucky needed him. Two half minds might help to cobble together a whole after all.

Base reasoning aside, Steve feels nothing but numb when he picks himself up from the ground, standing over Tony Stark with his crushed in chest plate and broken reactor. He has no ide where that anger had come from. No idea why he had gone to such terrible lengths to stop his friend.

He drops the shield before Tony even tells him to, fingers slipping from the leather handle, before he shuffles back to where he had left Bucky.

Cold. Numb. Still frozen. The perfect soldier.

Comments

[woundedwinter]

That smile is familiar enough to reassure Bucky and ease any lingering doubts. He jerks his head towards the bathroom. "Your turn now pal."

Thankfully there are fresh clothes and Bucky slips into them while Steve cleans up.

The results of his initial medical scans are available on one of the wall consoles, but he ignores it. He knows what the lingering damage is, he can feel it in the itch and pull in his back and shoulder now that the arm is gone.

So he explores the room again, before settling down to wait and see what else Wakanda has in store for them while Stark recovers.

[bottledblond]

Steve is quick. Military showers are about hitting targeted areas and he’s been doing the same simple clean since he’d gotten out of the ice. He never varies top to bottom approach and as expected, he’s finished in under the two minute mark. He has to admit that he’s surprised to find clothing waiting, but perhaps Wakanda is just more thoughtful a country than America. It’s a sad thought. One he keeps to himself.

“I think we should probably find T’Challa,” Steve says as he pulls on soft pants and then hangs up the towel that had rested around his shoulders. “Both to thank him and to find out what he’ll need us to do.” Steve is pretty sure that Bucky will be able to find a place here. He needs the kind touch and the patience that Steve knows isn’t possible back in America. “And maybe stay out of mischief?”

He smiles as he says that, face momentarily disappearing as he pulls on a shirt. He knows he and Bucky used to really get into it as kids.

He can’t think of anything specifically but he knows it must have been pretty fun.

[woundedwinter]

He huffs out a laugh, glad that there are still glimpses of the Steve he remembers. "Pretty sure those spears aren't for show. We get into anything we might get skewered."

Which.. isn't fun.

Setting things right with the king feels good, like he's finally taking steps down the right path. A path he's chosen for himself this time. It will bother him the rest of his days that so many people were killed simply to draw him out, even if he was only indirectly responsible for their deaths.

He'll have sanctuary in Wakanda, time to heal and according to Shuri, the possibility of undoing all of that terrible programming in his head.

"It feels like a dream," he confesses.

[bottledblond]

“To be honest with you, even since I came to a few years ago, everything has felt like a dream to me too.” He holds the door for Bucky, staying visible and his left side. It has to be pretty frightening to be missing a limb and Steve wants to protect him. “This whole time is so unreal.”

Or maybe he himself is. Steve feels it so innately. He’s not right. He doesn’t belong. He just does his best not to let that slip out.

Natasha isn’t here to help him screw his head back on and Bucky needs stability.

Not a friend who doesn’t remember so many things about him. Bucky is his touchstone but he doesn’t even know what that means.

[woundedwinter]

"My handlers, they were watching the news when you were fighting the aliens." A slow smile, "I think that was the start of me remembering who I was when I saw some punk jumping into a fight like he could take on the whole damn world."

The flash of his uniform. The shield. That was what finally cracked his conditioning.

Bucky lingers at a window, taking in the sparkling water, soaring ships and the bright buildings. "It's like those old dime books I'd read to you when you were sick, remember? Fantastic cities of the future?"

[bottledblond]

If there had been a better way to make Steve’s face soften, you’d be hard pressed to find it. The blond stops mid stride and turns, fingertips lightly brushing the small of Bucky’s back. He’d rather focus on the heart ache then on the fact that he truly does not remember Bucky reading to him, much less the contents of the books.

“I left you,” Steve says because it is one of the clearest memories he has. He knows Bucky fell from the train. He knows he did not hold onto him. The circumstances are murky but that much Steve knows to be true.

The hallways are bright and airy, the woods warm and rich around them. But it feels claustrophobic.

[woundedwinter]

"No. No you didn't." Bucky stops and turns, pushing Steve against the wall. He's always been prone to blame himself, which means he needs him to pay attention this time.

"I fell off a train, Steve." And even talking about it makes his throat tighten up in panic. "If those HYDRA assholes hadn't shot me up with that serum I'd have been a dead man."

Never mind that he'd kept his worries from the team, shaking off a bullet to the hip here, a broken bone there.

His hands slides up to squeeze the back of his neck. "You didn't know, pal. Hell, I didn't know either."

[bottledblond]

The slight thud on his back is still enough to rattle crossed spears used in decoration in the walls. On either side of him, cut outs in the hallway stream in the softest, most perfectly golden light but Steve can’t help but feel like a failure.

He doesn’t know how to wrap his head around it. He saved Bucky, but at great cost and like a bull in a China shop. He had pitted his friends and his colleagues against each other. At every turn, he caused destruction. All for Bucky.

And he’d do it again. Bucky is the single most important reason for doing anything. The understanding of that is so ingrained that he doesn’t even realize it’s a directive at all.

Or that it’s occurring from outside of his own memories.

Steve’s eyebrows furrow as Bucky holds him just before he bows his head and settles his forehead against the other man. He places a hand on his hip, gentle, just in case there are hidden wounds. “Not sure I forgive myself, knowing or not.”

[woundedwinter]

With a soft huff, he wraps his arm around Steve's waist and tugs him close. Bucky presses a kiss to his temple. "HYDRA did this to us. It wasn't your fault."

"You didn't know what they did to me in Azzano. None of us did." He inhales the clean scent of his shampoo and closes his eyes against the memories. "But we're here now. It's okay."

[bottledblond]

Steve doesn’t have any frame of reference for holding Bucky (or anyone actually) but he can not help but rest his chin on the top of his head and be his counter balance. He doesn’t mind the weight of the other man snuggled against him. He feels calmer this way, like he hadn’t just sacrificed everything to be where he is now. It doesn’t register.

“Kinda crazy when you think about it,” he murmurs, almost settling in. He’ll hold Bucky for as long as he’s allowed. It just feels that good. “Both of us here— I hate how you got here, but I’m glad you’re with me.”

Nevermind Sam sitting in a cell. Bucky has his entire attention.

[woundedwinter]

"End of the line, right?" Bucky remains quiet and content in the warmth of Steve's arms. His memories are still fractured but this feels familiar and safe.

"What about the others? You gotta.. Steve they can't stay in custody because of me." The archer, the Sokovian and her powers, Bucky knows he won't be able to sleep at night knowing his freedom comes at the expense of others.

They have to be set free. They didn't do anything wrong.

[bottledblond]

Steve had asked them to break the law. They’d done so easily, because he asked, and for no other reason. The blond’s eyebrows furrow as he pulls Bucky away from him slightly so that they can look one another in the eye. “I’m going to make it right,” he says.

“No you won’t,” another responds, and Steve turns to see Tony at the far end of the hall, framed in light from the gardens outside. His arm is wrapped around his waist protectively. “But I will.”

[woundedwinter]

Shit.

Okay so maybe he should have more thoughts about seeing Stark on his feet again, but there it is. No apologies, no excuses, there's nothing he can say to the man.

This is between Steve and Tony. All he's been is the catalyst, the reason for the rift between friends and the reason Tony had been in Shuri's care.

All he can do is go still near Steve and wait. There isn't a damn thing he can do to fix this and he knows it.

"You gotta help them Steve."

[bottledblond]

Though Steve moves protectively in front of Bucky, Toby leans slightly to make sure he can keep eye contact with the one armed man. “What’s he supposed to do?” Tony asks, not moving any closer. He’s not in his armor and even if he was, Steve proved capable (and willing) to rip it apart.

There’s hesitation in all three of them, but Tony fills the gap after a few moments.

“He’s a fugitive. He destroyed a national airport. The people you want to spring took out Rhodey’s legs. That last one is just another reason why Rogers doesn’t get to make the decisions anymore.”

[woundedwinter]

Someone lost their legs? Horror flickers across his features before Bucky schools his expression back to something more neutral. Another person hurt because of him, but he can spiral about that later when he's alone.

"They don't deserve to be in prison because of me."

[bottledblond]

“They’re not in prison because of you,” Tony spits back, the anger unhidden from his eyes. “They’re in prison because of him.” He doesn’t point or make any other gesture but it’s obvious he’s talking about Steve. “That’s the problem when you have an obsessive, charismatic leader. You do things for him to further his goal but only get yourself in trouble. He’s free. They aren’t. Typical.”

Tony’s anger has obviously shifted since he’d woken up in Wakanda of all places. Steve bears the brunt of it, and the blond is fine with that. He even puts out a placating hand, which seems to stir Tony up even further.

“Now listen, I didn’t—“

“You did,” Tony insists. “You absolutely did. You’ve been on this single handed, destructive mission since you found out he was still alive. But they should get a second chance. Not everyone needs to go down because you duped them.”

[woundedwinter]

Obsessive. Single minded. None of this reminds Bucky of the man he and the Howling Commandos followed across Europe in their campaign to take out HYDRA bases.

"Steve." He rests a hand on his elbow, urging him to stand down. "We don't leave people behind."

Not that either of them can do much considering they're fugitives and Bucky is a very real danger with everything HYDRA put into him.

"If he's got a plan, let him handle it."

[bottledblond]

In all terrible honesty, Steve didn’t plan to do anything himself. He had no intention to mount a rescue of any variety as long as Bucky needed his attention. His friends helped him and he would help them out…. But Bucky came first.

He let his face remain impassive as Tony scowled and Bucky looked at him like he was someone unrecognizable.

That wasn’t his fault. He barely knew the man that he had been at the start of the war. Sam told him that was normal. Combat fatigue was better understood now. Men came home from war changed because how could they not?

Tony is talking again while Steve is processing and he misses most of what he says. Funny, really, because Tony is calling him out on not listening again.

“Earth to Rogers— snap out of that damned god complex of yours for one minute—“

“It’s not a god complex, Tony. I’m just trying to keep him safe. He’s the only thing I have—“

“Cut the bullshit. We were all your friends. Even if you kept us at arm’s length. You know what? The only thing I need permission for right now is to get out of Wakanda. I’ll leave you and your boyfriend to it.”

[woundedwinter]

Bucky starts when Tony calls him his boyfriend. Did he know? Steve had always been the private type in the past.

"HYDRA will find ways to stop you. You didn't root all of them out." The least he can do is use HYDRA's intel against them.

"Give me enough time to give you a list. If you're going in you should know every angle."

[bottledblond]

Steve, of course, thinks nothing of Tony throwing around words that don’t matter. The guy just does it to get a rise and it doesn’t bother Steve. He doesn’t really care for the way Bucky reacts, but there’s no helping it. He can’t just keep on defending the guy when he keeps getting called out for doing just that.

“At least take that much. I don’t want you to get hurt,” he says but Tony cuts him right off with anger and wetness in his eyes.

“Don’t you fucking dare. You cracked my god damned rib cage so don’t you fucking dare.”

Steve is taken aback by that, and holds his breath.

[woundedwinter]

"Right or wrong, everything Zemo did is still working," Bucky points out quietly. Steve's team, his friendship with Stark, both are in shambles and leaving them with a painful lack of focus.

The old echoes of Sarge as well as the discipline of the Asset surge forward. He's not here to argue or to mediate what happened between them, and he's sure as hell not going to try and apologize to Stark when his back is up.

"I can hack SHIELD's systems. It'll take a couple of hours to get you what you need." Maybe less if he had both arms, but Bucky is happier without the damn thing. "You'll go in there safer."

[bottledblond]

The genius engineer does not want to hear that the one armed mother murderer can hack anything and he says as much through gritted teeth with enough venom that Steve steps bodily in front of Bucky. He can’t possibly protect him from thrown words but he can do his best to break their eye line.

“That’s enough, Tony. That wasn’t his fault. He wasn’t—“

Stark tosses up a hand and immediately thinks better of it as he has to catch himself. Shuri’s monitor is no doubt going off now that he’s worked himself up and there will be doctors or warrior women coming to collect him.

“I don’t need your help. Not with HYDRA. Not with springing your sheep from whatever prison they threw them in. I want you both to stay away from me. From all of us. You’re not an Avenger anymore, Rogers.”

[woundedwinter]

Time for a strategic retreat. Stark was rightfully angry and there wasn't a damn thing Bucky could say in the face of it.

"C'mon Steve." They need time to withdraw, and to hope that Stark will indeed rescue the others from prison.

A prison he might well see the inside of one day. "We should go."

[bottledblond]

Steve is back to being stoic as he turns, following Bucky’s call. He doesn’t want to cause more trouble, and he certainly is willing to take a break from Tony’s truths. The blond remains tight lipped until they enter out into the palace gardens and head down a river stone lined path. The ground shifts from green to golden to green again, but Steve doesn’t shift his eyes to look at anything but the way ahead.

He hadn’t known how badly he’d hurt Tony. He didn’t know someone had been injured at the airport like that. He still can’t wrap his head around a lot of what’s happened today.

He failed. It’s a new feeling. He hates it.

“You shouldn’t have to listen to that. It’s not your fault.”

[woundedwinter]

"I still did it," he reminds him. "And I remember all of them." Every life he'd taken, every mission that left lives in ruins. They were crystal clear while parts of his own past remained hazy and still out of reach.

"He has every right to hate me for what I did." Bucky turns his gaze to the gardens, warm sunlight dancing across vibrant green. "I had no choice, but those lives ended because of me."