Snowblind Inbox

[bottledblond]

You have reached Steve Rogers. I am unable to answer you at this moment.
If you would be so kind, please leave a message after the tone with your name,
your number, and the best time to reach you. Thank you very much.


Uh, Tony? How long am I supposed to-- BEEP

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[bottledblond]

The brush of two days of whiskers on his cheek did not do a thing to hide his hurt. Steve always had the most expressive eyes. He was tenacious, he was tough as nails (figuratively more than literally now), and he could soldier through just about everything.

"Okay. All right, pal. Jay it is." So it was back to James? Bucky's sister might have found that to be hilarious. "Still staying away from Jimmy huh?"

[advanced]

He wants to say that it's not short for James, but he doesn't really have an argument there. He could explain that it's from his first username, but then he might have to explain that he changed his username to hide from the past Steve and that might lead to questions as to what his username was now. So he'll just shake his head.

"Not Jimmy, not James, and not Bucky."

That's final.

"You have to stop." Stop trying to make a connection, stop being Steve. "I'm not the friend you remember, I'm still dangerous."

[bottledblond]

Stop? Steve hadn't even started. The moment Natasha told him that Bucky recoiled and worsened just hearing his name sent Steve on his way. He had asked after Bucky yesterday. He hadn't attempted to make contact. He was trying to respect that.

"You called me-- That's not to say that you should hang up-- Please, please don't-- I just don't know why you're worried about being dangerous. You know I can handle myself. You taught me how."

He had to stop babbling.

"Besides, you don't even know where I am and getting anywhere here is a trial of itself. And... And you are the friend I remember. Because you're still trying to protect me."

[advanced]

Steve always did see the best in people, but it's not always true. He's motivated more from a selfish standpoint; he doesn't want to be the one to hurt anyone, more than he doesn't want anyone to get hurt. It's a subtle difference, but it's an important one. Either way, he's surprised that Steve has to ask why he thinks he's dangerous.

Does this mean nobody has told Steve yet what he's done?

It raises his trust in Tony and Natasha somewhat, because they must both have had the opportunity to tell Steve what he did and neither have. But he's not going to hide it. It's the best piece of evidence he has that he's not to be trusted still, that he's dangerous.

"I killed two people here only three weeks ago."

Does he have to give further explanation? Or isn't that enough to prove his point?

[bottledblond]

Steve just sighed heavily but it wasn't judgmental. There had to be a reason for it. Did someone attack Bucky?

Worse.

So much worse. Did someone trigger him?

"Do you want to talk about it?"

[advanced]

Why wasn't Steve more shocked? Why wasn't he more judgemental? It made Bucky need to tell him more just to make sure that Steve understood the gravity of what had happened and why it meant he shouldn't be trusted.

"They were trying to stop me from killing you."

That was it, they were in the way and between the Soldier and his target. They didn't do anything to him, he was the one that threw the first punch after they refused to get out of his way.

[bottledblond]

"You were triggered." Steve knew all about that. He knew all about being a target. He knew all about having a cold, yet rampaging man coming after him. "I'm sorry, Bu-- I'm sorry. The last Steve shouldn't have let that happen."

The triggering might not have been able to be stopped but he shouldn't have let other people get in the way.

He was ashamed of himself.

"I'm so sorry, Jay."

[advanced]

The last Steve.

It's strange to hear him talked about that way, as if it's not the same Steve. It bothers him somewhat, to think that it might be a different one and that the other one is still dead. Not because he knew the other one too well, but because it was Steve. And he didn't want to think of Steve dead.

"I didn't get to you."

As if that's the important bit.

"It wore off a day or so later. By then, you were already dead. Anomaly."

[bottledblond]

"It wasn't you." Steve was adamant. "None of that is ever you." The tablet was shaking now and Steve pulled the coat over his head to try and warm up. Why had it gotten so cold? Did it snow more last night then the night before? "I know you have a hard time trusting yourself. But I trust you. And I'll be here when you want to trust me too."

[advanced]

"Didn't you listen to anything I just said?"

Bucky's voice rose in volume, sharp and annoyed. It was like Steve was wilfully being a fool, blind to the danger because he wanted to prove he trusted a man that shouldn't be trusted.

"I told you I killed two people, and you're standing there telling me you trust me. This is why I can't be near you, Steve, you're so eager to see the friend you lost that you're blind to the truth."

[bottledblond]

"I'm eager to help my friend. There's a big difference." He didn't want to talk semantics though. "I'm also eager to help people that aren't my friends." He didn't come running for you, Bucky, okay? He didn't frolick off to reconnect with an old bestie. "But I know for a fact that you can and have and will beat this. You are Bucky Barnes. You're the guy who spent most of my older childhood making sure I was warm and fed and not covered in bruises so-- So it's you and me. To the end of the line. Always will be."

[advanced]

That phrase again, that stupid phrase that digs into his skull and underneath his skin like nothing else does. Worse, now it's overlaid with the other times he's heard it in his life, even the times he's said it. He knows that they have this friendship, it's only a distrust of himself that stops him from going to Steve.

His expression is guilty and sorrowful all at once, he knows on some level that Steve is right. He passes a hand over his face.

"Username," the offering is abrupt and quiet. "My username on these things. It's 'username'."

[bottledblond]

Steve opened and closed his mouth before grinning. "That's real clever. I never would have thought to guess it. But how about this, pal. I'll respect your need for distance. You check in with me when you want to and only when you want to, all right?"

[advanced]

He nods, short and shallow, he can give that much at least. When he wants to might not be ever, though, and he can't help but wonder how long Steve will actually wait. He knows first hand just how relentless Steve can be in his pursuit.

"You should join the other Avengers, they're south of the school."

[bottledblond]

"Where are you going...?"

Because no. He wasn't going to take Bucky's place with them. He was fine. He'd scream it to the rafters if these people wanted him to!

"Buck-- Jay.. Stay with them. I'm exploring. It's not so bad." They can't both protect each other!

[advanced]

"I'm not staying with them whether or not you join them, so you might as well."

Bucky had realised his mistake about halfway through the evening when Natasha had been talking of the other Bucky, and when the little niggled voice at the back of his head refused to trust them not to lead him right to Steve in a misguided sense of doing the right thing.

He had been better out on his own, and he would just have to get better at controlling himself, that was all there was to it.

[bottledblond]

One sure fire way to get Bucky to disappear into the literal cold was to push him away by insisting he do what he didn't want to do. Steve tried to school his face, knowing he was still on video, but he couldn't quite hide the worry.

"Okay, all right, I'll try to meet up with everyone but-- If you need anything, even if it's just to talk, we're all still here for you." He didn't single himself out because he was sure that Bucky knew. Somewhere in there was the guy that was his hero all those years ago.

He'd lost Bucky a few days ago to the cold and ice...and now he was doing so again. What irony.

[advanced]

He didn't bother to respond.

But that he didn't refuse or claim he didn't need help was a silent agreement that he would remember they were all there if he needed them. Tony, Natasha, and even Clint had all said much the same thing. It's strange, having the support of all the Avengers even if he isn't ready to accept it yet.

So he just hangs up the line and hands the tablet back to Nat. Maybe he'll talk to Steve again soon, maybe not.