Snowblind Inbox

[bottledblond]

You have reached Steve Rogers. I am unable to answer you at this moment.
If you would be so kind, please leave a message after the tone with your name,
your number, and the best time to reach you. Thank you very much.


Uh, Tony? How long am I supposed to-- BEEP

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[advanced]

Now that he had the answers he wanted, he should really just hang up and get going. This was the Steve that he remembered from his time, that meant his reasons for avoiding him were still valid and relevant. But there were things that had been said now, things to give him hope, and he couldn't just walk away from that.

Steve had said they were together now, and that Bucky was doing better. That was a better future than the one he had envisioned for himself. He had planned to stay underground perhaps for the rest of his life, all he needed was the peace of not being the Soldier any more and he could consider that a happy life.

I know how to deal with the cold.

Because it's text and therefore the tone is lost, it probably comes across as more brusque than intended. That Steve should fuss is so typical that it half makes him smile, but only for a fleeting second. This conversation isn't about reconnecting or giving Steve false hope.

Tell me what happened-- what will happen to me. How did I break the programming?

[bottledblond]

Steve didn't really think it would hurt to tell Bucky about the future. As long as he left some of the more traumatizing details out.

There are words in Russian that trigger the programming. You also are able to fight whatever urges that they trigger, just like you did on the hellicarrier. We did clear your name, Buck. We found the guy that framed you and the other men and women in the Soldier program.

[advanced]

[If there was any doubt that Steve was telling the truth, it was gone right then. He knew details that he couldn't possibly know unless Bucky had told him, and they were details that matched his world.

He exhales heavily and runs a hand down his face, torn on what to do.

Eventually, after long hesitation, he turns the video feed on so he can actually talk to Steve face to face. He looks terrible, hard-eyed and greasy haired dressed in a mishmash of regular clothes and his winter soldier outfit.]

It's not the same here, I haven't got the control yet.

[bottledblond]

The entire tablet moved before Steve got himself into frame in the little window and devoured Bucky with his eyes. He was looking for anything strange. Were his eyes still blue? Yes. His hair still brown? Yes. Were his features the same? Every one.

Steve breathed a sigh of visible relief as his warm breath hit the cold.

"Good to see you Buck." He wasn't lying. "And even if you don't have control yet, you will. I promise you. Are you keeping your notes? Everything you remember?"

[advanced]

Bucky can't help checking again that this is definitely on a private filter, and the tension is evident in every line of his body and face even as he stares back down at the screen to look at Steve in return. This might well be a mistake, but he won't know until the chips fall, so he'll push onwards.

"Stop calling me that."

It's a harsh demand, almost a snap. "If you have to use a name, call me Jay." That's what everyone was calling him here, it was anonymous enough while also giving him an identity. He just wasn't ready for the weight that 'Bucky' put on his shoulders yet.

It was also easier to give the demand than to answer such a well meaning and gentle question, as if Steve was already his friend again.

[bottledblond]

The brush of two days of whiskers on his cheek did not do a thing to hide his hurt. Steve always had the most expressive eyes. He was tenacious, he was tough as nails (figuratively more than literally now), and he could soldier through just about everything.

"Okay. All right, pal. Jay it is." So it was back to James? Bucky's sister might have found that to be hilarious. "Still staying away from Jimmy huh?"

[advanced]

He wants to say that it's not short for James, but he doesn't really have an argument there. He could explain that it's from his first username, but then he might have to explain that he changed his username to hide from the past Steve and that might lead to questions as to what his username was now. So he'll just shake his head.

"Not Jimmy, not James, and not Bucky."

That's final.

"You have to stop." Stop trying to make a connection, stop being Steve. "I'm not the friend you remember, I'm still dangerous."

[bottledblond]

Stop? Steve hadn't even started. The moment Natasha told him that Bucky recoiled and worsened just hearing his name sent Steve on his way. He had asked after Bucky yesterday. He hadn't attempted to make contact. He was trying to respect that.

"You called me-- That's not to say that you should hang up-- Please, please don't-- I just don't know why you're worried about being dangerous. You know I can handle myself. You taught me how."

He had to stop babbling.

"Besides, you don't even know where I am and getting anywhere here is a trial of itself. And... And you are the friend I remember. Because you're still trying to protect me."

[advanced]

Steve always did see the best in people, but it's not always true. He's motivated more from a selfish standpoint; he doesn't want to be the one to hurt anyone, more than he doesn't want anyone to get hurt. It's a subtle difference, but it's an important one. Either way, he's surprised that Steve has to ask why he thinks he's dangerous.

Does this mean nobody has told Steve yet what he's done?

It raises his trust in Tony and Natasha somewhat, because they must both have had the opportunity to tell Steve what he did and neither have. But he's not going to hide it. It's the best piece of evidence he has that he's not to be trusted still, that he's dangerous.

"I killed two people here only three weeks ago."

Does he have to give further explanation? Or isn't that enough to prove his point?

[bottledblond]

Steve just sighed heavily but it wasn't judgmental. There had to be a reason for it. Did someone attack Bucky?

Worse.

So much worse. Did someone trigger him?

"Do you want to talk about it?"

[advanced]

Why wasn't Steve more shocked? Why wasn't he more judgemental? It made Bucky need to tell him more just to make sure that Steve understood the gravity of what had happened and why it meant he shouldn't be trusted.

"They were trying to stop me from killing you."

That was it, they were in the way and between the Soldier and his target. They didn't do anything to him, he was the one that threw the first punch after they refused to get out of his way.

[bottledblond]

"You were triggered." Steve knew all about that. He knew all about being a target. He knew all about having a cold, yet rampaging man coming after him. "I'm sorry, Bu-- I'm sorry. The last Steve shouldn't have let that happen."

The triggering might not have been able to be stopped but he shouldn't have let other people get in the way.

He was ashamed of himself.

"I'm so sorry, Jay."

[advanced]

The last Steve.

It's strange to hear him talked about that way, as if it's not the same Steve. It bothers him somewhat, to think that it might be a different one and that the other one is still dead. Not because he knew the other one too well, but because it was Steve. And he didn't want to think of Steve dead.

"I didn't get to you."

As if that's the important bit.

"It wore off a day or so later. By then, you were already dead. Anomaly."

[bottledblond]

"It wasn't you." Steve was adamant. "None of that is ever you." The tablet was shaking now and Steve pulled the coat over his head to try and warm up. Why had it gotten so cold? Did it snow more last night then the night before? "I know you have a hard time trusting yourself. But I trust you. And I'll be here when you want to trust me too."

[advanced]

"Didn't you listen to anything I just said?"

Bucky's voice rose in volume, sharp and annoyed. It was like Steve was wilfully being a fool, blind to the danger because he wanted to prove he trusted a man that shouldn't be trusted.

"I told you I killed two people, and you're standing there telling me you trust me. This is why I can't be near you, Steve, you're so eager to see the friend you lost that you're blind to the truth."

[bottledblond]

"I'm eager to help my friend. There's a big difference." He didn't want to talk semantics though. "I'm also eager to help people that aren't my friends." He didn't come running for you, Bucky, okay? He didn't frolick off to reconnect with an old bestie. "But I know for a fact that you can and have and will beat this. You are Bucky Barnes. You're the guy who spent most of my older childhood making sure I was warm and fed and not covered in bruises so-- So it's you and me. To the end of the line. Always will be."

[advanced]

That phrase again, that stupid phrase that digs into his skull and underneath his skin like nothing else does. Worse, now it's overlaid with the other times he's heard it in his life, even the times he's said it. He knows that they have this friendship, it's only a distrust of himself that stops him from going to Steve.

His expression is guilty and sorrowful all at once, he knows on some level that Steve is right. He passes a hand over his face.

"Username," the offering is abrupt and quiet. "My username on these things. It's 'username'."

[bottledblond]

Steve opened and closed his mouth before grinning. "That's real clever. I never would have thought to guess it. But how about this, pal. I'll respect your need for distance. You check in with me when you want to and only when you want to, all right?"

[advanced]

He nods, short and shallow, he can give that much at least. When he wants to might not be ever, though, and he can't help but wonder how long Steve will actually wait. He knows first hand just how relentless Steve can be in his pursuit.

"You should join the other Avengers, they're south of the school."

[bottledblond]

"Where are you going...?"

Because no. He wasn't going to take Bucky's place with them. He was fine. He'd scream it to the rafters if these people wanted him to!

"Buck-- Jay.. Stay with them. I'm exploring. It's not so bad." They can't both protect each other!

[advanced]

"I'm not staying with them whether or not you join them, so you might as well."

Bucky had realised his mistake about halfway through the evening when Natasha had been talking of the other Bucky, and when the little niggled voice at the back of his head refused to trust them not to lead him right to Steve in a misguided sense of doing the right thing.

He had been better out on his own, and he would just have to get better at controlling himself, that was all there was to it.

[bottledblond]

One sure fire way to get Bucky to disappear into the literal cold was to push him away by insisting he do what he didn't want to do. Steve tried to school his face, knowing he was still on video, but he couldn't quite hide the worry.

"Okay, all right, I'll try to meet up with everyone but-- If you need anything, even if it's just to talk, we're all still here for you." He didn't single himself out because he was sure that Bucky knew. Somewhere in there was the guy that was his hero all those years ago.

He'd lost Bucky a few days ago to the cold and ice...and now he was doing so again. What irony.

[advanced]

He didn't bother to respond.

But that he didn't refuse or claim he didn't need help was a silent agreement that he would remember they were all there if he needed them. Tony, Natasha, and even Clint had all said much the same thing. It's strange, having the support of all the Avengers even if he isn't ready to accept it yet.

So he just hangs up the line and hands the tablet back to Nat. Maybe he'll talk to Steve again soon, maybe not.